i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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