I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
