The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
