On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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