I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
