I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
