haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
