Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i dont even know how to be here
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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