I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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