The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You are the jesus of drinking
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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