Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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