May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
