John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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