My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize