I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
