I didn't shave. On purpose
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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