we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize