Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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