i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
