I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
