I wish I could teleport
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
