I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
