What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
