I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
