I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
