I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize