My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
