my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
