I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Im part way to drunk.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize