Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just pynch a tree in the face
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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