My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
