I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
