If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
