My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize