im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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