He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Mom said you looked used
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
