so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
