hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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