her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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