I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
