I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize