do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
