I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
