pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I will be naked everywhere
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
