Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
