How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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