Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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