Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
