i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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