At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
