Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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