I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
