Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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