Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
