We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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