Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
