how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
