sarcasm needs its own font
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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