Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
