Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
