I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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