I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize